Losing Control

I can't believe what I did this morning - I raised my voice in front of my boss and colleague!!

It was not small stuff, but definitely not the end of the world. So, normally I would've loved the situation like this. I should've not reacted the way I did.

To me, problem solving is like a good game. It's challenging, and I love it. By taking the situation under control, I get excited. While doing it, I get to test my ability to go beyond my limitation and expand it, and that's what I love about solving problems!

The same reason is for why I can never be a masochist. I never get to be excited by being submissive. I need to take charge. I need to feel I hold a key. I consider myself, proudly, a sadist aka a people-pleasing person who's satisfied to fulfill other people's needs and wants.

Anyway, what I am trying to say here is...I don' know...I guess I am trying to say...I was not the normal "me" this morning. Why did I get panicked, frustrated, irritated, and lost my control over little things? I can't forgive myself doing that. And I hate letting people see me being that way.

Yes, those "little things" were looking terrible, out of shape, and undoable. But if I were the normal "me," I could've said to my boss and colleague, "I'll take care of it" or "I can handle it with no problem." And they would've felt relieved.

Why did I lose control over myself? Does it have something to do with the fact that I can't stop thinking about him?

Every day and night, all I can think about is him. It's not normal to fall for someone so quick, is it? I can't be in love with this guy as I've known him only for a few months, can I?

Moreover, it doesn't make sense that, because of this guy, I lost my young, gorgeous, 26-year-old boyfriend, does it? It's not right, is it? What's wrong with me lately? What's this feeling inside that I have for him?

I am losing control...